When I was young, I never needed anyone. Making love was just for fun. Those days are gone.

All by myself. Don't wanna be all by myself. Anymore.

Will be going outstation tomorrow. I couldn't wake up in time to see him today, and I think he got pissed, so refused to see me till after everything else. Even now he wants me to go watch football with him :) Then he asked me whether it's selfish of him to ask that.

How to answer lar... :)

Don't expect too much, won't feel so disappointed.

I did not go to work again today. I told myself I will, but I ended up in my bed till 4 pm. I wish I can just make everything okay. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want him to think of me as a failure. I don't want anyone to think of me as a failure.

I keep getting this, few times a year. I cannot let it affect me like that, or I will have to find something that accomodates my 'swings'. I need to get out of this rat race.

I don't think I'm pressured by my work. I think I just don't wanna use my brains. I'm so scared now.

I totally forgot to note down this part that I want to remember forever.

He: Would you support my faith and let our kids to be brought up as Christians?

Me: Of course I would love it. I look at you, and I respect your religious upbringing and I want our kids to be just like you.

I love you :)

hello

My periodic bouts of depression is back. I cannot bring myself to go to work. What is wrong with me?

All in all, I would say things are great. Then why do I feel so useless?

He loves me so much, and shows me that. I can see that. Yesterday we spoke for about an hour or more, about our future. I'm really happy that he's beginning to think in terms of 'us', but at the same time I'm worried that I am putting unnecessary pressure on him. That wouldn't be fair, just like how I do not like people to have expectations on me.

Two person asked me what happened to my blog, and whether I am okay. Is it that obvious that deletion of blog is related to emotional instability?

I need to pick myself up soon. Really really soon. I need to get out of this rat race very very soon. I cannot afford to stay here forever.

But I really feel lucky today, to have him in my life. I was not okay when I was on the phone with him today, and he rushed home just to check on me, and to cuddle me to sleep. :)

he came for the thing yesterday, and we made up.

actually he sent this really awesome message that just made me smile.

everything is great again, and i hope it will last.

the price i had to pay? my friendster account, my multiply account, and my blog.

:)

we can start anew. its okay.

saturday afternoon

here i am now.

at home on a saturday afternoon. usually i would have just gotten out of rolling on the bed with him.

i've been rolling on my bed, alone. listening to music. waiting for him to call.

i guess this is the time when the saying is appropriate

if you love something, set it free. if it comes back to you, it is yours. if it does not, it was never meant to be in the first place.

you yuan mei you fen.

i hold on strongly to that.

yes i miss him desperately. just be stronger.

there's a gathering later by a mutual friend. i wonder whether he'll be there.

:)

when one gets into a relationship, it is just merely two person testing our their compatibility. after a while, if it doesn't work out, then no obligations. we just end it.

it hurts tons. but i've had it happening too often. he doesn't know what he's doing. maybe you yuan mei you fen.

i leave it to god.

this is what you call external locus of control.

sad. but i cant cry anymore. no tears will come out anymore. i've been treated shit enough.