peak of it

I've reached the peak of insecurity.

A friend said that sometimes insecurity is the cause of failure of a relationship.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???

Is it because I'm too free? I have work to do. I go out less often with people these days, but it's because I'd rather be with him.

Can someone just say loser, cos I really feel like one.

I just want him to tell me everything is okay. Just poufan, until everything is okay, then he can just let me be.

I hate his friend. The things he say just make me feel worse. Maybe I should know better. Just keep away from negative people.

Why don't I have faith in him? Even if he answers late, or just don't answer, I assume he's busy talking to someone else, and would rather talk to them, rather than me.

Why do I feel like that? Can I take away the feeling? I need to be that strong independent person I once was.

Is this love? I don't know what this is. This is a typical case of hand grabbing the sand tighter and tighter, finally to have none left, as it has all escaped through the gaps.

Love me, please love me. Please love me. Please love me. Love me, please love me. Love me, please love me. I don't want anyone else, just you. Just you. Don't ever give up on me. Please never never ever give up on me, cos I will never let you go.

Please.

who is the real me?

My aunt just passed away and I cannot believe I'm drowning in sorrows and self pity.

I am so inward looking. I'm so insecure.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I guess it's true. I hate myself, and I cannot forgive myself, I cannot accept myself for who I am, I don't like who I am, but I'm not changing myself.

I'm just so plain selfish.

Perhaps he is doing it right. Life is not just about me, isn't it. It's not about ourselves, but other stuff, other people, work, friends.

I'm undergoing so much mixed emotions in me that I don't think I can deal with it. Do I really have to go through this depression year after year?

What is happening to me now? I'm so fucked up. I'm so different from before. This is not progressing. This is going backward. I'm not growing up. Something is not right here. Do I need a change of lifestyle or environment?

I don't even like being around people. I can't be bothered pretending to socialise. I hate so many people's guts. I criticise. I get irritated.

This is not me. Who is the real me?

keep him waiting 3 times?

Feel sad. My aunt just passed away. But I didn't cry at all,because I haven't seen her for a long time and was never close to her in the first place.

Still self obssessed. A friend mentioned that to keep a guy wanting I should just reject the first second time and only accept the third time. My question is, if we are together and love each other so much, why are we playing games? Why should we?

Perhaps a man would know another man best.

As I was saying yesterday, I feel that he keeps more to himself instead of telling me things. He doens't even ask me what was my day like, how did it go and all.

It's plain weird, but maybe I should just give him the benefit of doubt and just wait a few days before I complain to him. It's the least that I could do.

But the sex is sure great. It's sizzling.

communication and affection

Things got much better since I blew up at him and told him exactly how I felt. Yes I bawled like a mad dog but I couldn't control myself.

Ever since then he's been really loving and affectionate and all. Affectionate as before.

But somehow I feel something is missing. Can I be sensitive again? The other day he was listening to these sad songs by this sad singer. And today when I went to his ex gfs site, I saw the songs posted there. No price for guessing where he downloaded it from.

Does he still have feelings for her? I should put myself in his position. I have exes. I keep in touch with them, but I have no feelings for them. But then again it's been ages ago. Is it possible they've become friends in such a short time with strictly platonic feelings for each other?

I feel that he keep more to himself these days, hardly really tell me how he feels. And then I will feel sensitive and be affected by it and in return, try to hold back. This is really bad.

I don't wanna hold back from him. I love him. I want to share his thoughts and I want him to share my thoughts. I dont want us to have communication problems. We used to say that we have great communications.

Please let that remain.

i want a love that will last

it hurts it hurts it hurts

we are back together but it seems so different.

yesterday we had really good sex, in my opinion. he told me he was really happy that he was with me again.

but today i checked my phone and the last time he called me was 12 pm yesterday and it is 10 pm today. i mean ive spoken to him since then, since i called him, and i stayed over at his place.

what does this all mean? he used to call me after his work and all. what the hell is going on?

does he only want me for sex? have i misunderstood yesterday? i felt that yesterday was really meaningful. i thought it was us making love. i thought he enjoyed it. i thought he said he's happy we are back together. i thought so many things.

and i keep thinking and thinking. what is he looking for?

two days

He hasn't called me for two days already. I saw T yesterday and she made me feel really really guilty, as if it is all my fault that our relationship is fucked.

I just want him to love me. Just love me. I don't think it's so difficult to love me. I don't expect a lot. I'm not dependent on him. So what's happening?

lies

Why talk about the future when we can't even pass the 9 months mark. I'm so hurt. So so hurt. Why did I ever let myself believe that I will be treated right, and that I will be loved again. It is all fake. There is no man like that in the world.

And to think that he asked why was I so quiet. I feel so fucked. What should I say that is appropriate?

His friend accidently blurted out about them having lunch together. He told me he went to take away. Why would he even need to lie about things like that? Why? Why? Why is it like that? What sort of person does he think I am?

I'm so disappointed. Can this be fixed?

the next stage

We managed to patch things up but things are somewhat different.

I feel hurt at everything, not realising that I am the only one holding on, whereas he has already moved on to the next stage of relationship. I am still needy, and I still want to be with him all the time, but he is tired of the honeymoon stage already.

Friends are more important to him, and he can run off seeing them even when he's sick. I feel that staying over at his house is a burden to him, because then he will need to take care of my needs. I'm still here, just waiting for his plans. He can just go off, without informing me of anything.

I think it's time I start doing my own things, and give him a taste of his own medicine. Or rather, move on to the next stage of the relationship.

My heart is so numb. I'm so stupid to just let go of myself. I need to take check of my feelings. I fell in too deep.

never again

I deleted every single detail of him on my phone. His pictures. His messages, his number.

I'm really depressed. I thought we were for real. I cannot accept it anymore.

He called me this morning, telling me he was really drunk yesterday, and that his phone is wet and fucked. As if that will make everything okay.

I told him off, and after that, there weren't anymore calls or messages. I guess that's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

I will never fall in love again. Never. It is not worth hurting myself again.

That's all there is-

It is all over. We broke up. He was attending his colleagues wedding. And he was supposed to see me. But he didn't. He got drunk instead. And it just went on and on.

I mean nothing to him. He said that he couldn't leave. But come on. Who can make him stay if he didn't want to.

It's all over. He told me to fuck myself. He told me that I'm a horrible person.

And I deleted all his pictures on my phone. And all his messages.

I'm so tired. I thought we could go somewhere. Obviously we are just too weak for that.

I've been in KT for 3 days. He hasn't seen me for 4 days. And he doesn't even want to see me even though it's been so many days.

What sort of guy is that? I don't want him anyways because if we ever get married, he'll just be like what my aunty told me. He'll just make me stay at home crying with the four walls watching.

:)

This is my life that I have fucked. Why fall in love when it's just gonna be fucked? Why waste time? This is an utter waste.

That's all. This is the story of us. There is no more stories coming. That is all.

fucking asshole bitcheass

She's supposed to call me back. But she didn't. So fucking pathetic. I'll confront her directly now since it's all in the open. Tomorrow I will speak to her. And if she's not around tomorrow, the very next time I see her then. I don't wanna play with these stupid games anymore. Pathetic thing.

Woke up feeling shit

I woke up feeling really crappy. I don't understand why must she do what she's doing right now? We are both working for people, and both of us look stupid if we are having this cold war thing. We both just want to earn a living. I don't know why must she feel so threatened.

So just what am I supposed to do now? Just bear with it? I had it with her when she said she couldn't comprehend my manner of communication. It's so fucking obvious she's against me. When I am not even doing anything to her. I have no ill intentions whatsoever. I called her and she refused to answer, quoting that she was in the middle of a training. As if. But whatever. I'll just give her benefit of the doubt.

I will call her today and talk to her, just to settle it. To see what is it that she's so unhappy about. Because I really can't stand it anymore. I don't even recall doing anything that pissed her off, unless it is my competency that is pissing her off. And making her feel small.

This is not a good way to start my new year.