so old...

I hope the shadows will not catch me. I'm running as fast as I can, so that I won't fall back into the trap. In the past few months I feel it closing up on me, but so far I've managed to escape. My only choice is to run faster, or to eliminate the ghost altogether. I hope I can do so eventually.

Still very occupied with too many things. Even though I'm been unofficially sacked from the Dewar's pool, I still don't have time for anything. 24 hours a day is not enough. It is not enough! I need more than 24 hours. They just disappear. Time flies. I'm 27 this year. We've been together for 1 year and 3 months. Time really flies.

Feel really old. Told my colleague this, but he said at least I'm still in my 20s. I think it's a matter of what you've experienced too, not just by how many years you've lived.

Heartbroken. Today was supposed to see him, but didn't get to do so due to some misunderstanding. All I want is just to see him. To be with him. Enjoy his company. Cuddle. Tomorrow I have this pool training that I cannot miss, so I guess it won't happen tomorrow either. Don't know whether he'll be busy during the weekends.

Last Saturday we took a drive up to Camerons. We didn't do much, just went up there to relax. I enjoyed myself very much, but mostly I liked that he wanted to spend some quality time alone with me. We talked and watched movies and drank wine and slept in and cooked maggi mee and took out the rubbish.

The typical coupley stuff. It felt really good, as if we really had our own place. If we have our own place right now, we could have avoided a lot of heartache and missings. We would have been able to sleep together in each others arms every night. To cook together, laze around watching tv. Play chess. Have friends come over.

At first it felt as if I was really lucky to have landed this job, but ever since I joined the company, we've been arguing and arguing and arguing. Curse in disguise?

It hurt a lot to hear him say that I'm irresponsible. It hurt because someone I loved dearly told me that I suck, and also because I've been trying so hard. As always, it is probably because I did not try hard enough.

So tired. Feel older than my 27 years old. 26 and 10 months actually. So old, Cass. When will it all be over?

When I was young, I never needed anyone. Making love was just for fun. Those days are gone.

All by myself. Don't wanna be all by myself. Anymore.

Will be going outstation tomorrow. I couldn't wake up in time to see him today, and I think he got pissed, so refused to see me till after everything else. Even now he wants me to go watch football with him :) Then he asked me whether it's selfish of him to ask that.

How to answer lar... :)

Don't expect too much, won't feel so disappointed.

I did not go to work again today. I told myself I will, but I ended up in my bed till 4 pm. I wish I can just make everything okay. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want him to think of me as a failure. I don't want anyone to think of me as a failure.

I keep getting this, few times a year. I cannot let it affect me like that, or I will have to find something that accomodates my 'swings'. I need to get out of this rat race.

I don't think I'm pressured by my work. I think I just don't wanna use my brains. I'm so scared now.

I totally forgot to note down this part that I want to remember forever.

He: Would you support my faith and let our kids to be brought up as Christians?

Me: Of course I would love it. I look at you, and I respect your religious upbringing and I want our kids to be just like you.

I love you :)

hello

My periodic bouts of depression is back. I cannot bring myself to go to work. What is wrong with me?

All in all, I would say things are great. Then why do I feel so useless?

He loves me so much, and shows me that. I can see that. Yesterday we spoke for about an hour or more, about our future. I'm really happy that he's beginning to think in terms of 'us', but at the same time I'm worried that I am putting unnecessary pressure on him. That wouldn't be fair, just like how I do not like people to have expectations on me.

Two person asked me what happened to my blog, and whether I am okay. Is it that obvious that deletion of blog is related to emotional instability?

I need to pick myself up soon. Really really soon. I need to get out of this rat race very very soon. I cannot afford to stay here forever.

But I really feel lucky today, to have him in my life. I was not okay when I was on the phone with him today, and he rushed home just to check on me, and to cuddle me to sleep. :)

he came for the thing yesterday, and we made up.

actually he sent this really awesome message that just made me smile.

everything is great again, and i hope it will last.

the price i had to pay? my friendster account, my multiply account, and my blog.

:)

we can start anew. its okay.

saturday afternoon

here i am now.

at home on a saturday afternoon. usually i would have just gotten out of rolling on the bed with him.

i've been rolling on my bed, alone. listening to music. waiting for him to call.

i guess this is the time when the saying is appropriate

if you love something, set it free. if it comes back to you, it is yours. if it does not, it was never meant to be in the first place.

you yuan mei you fen.

i hold on strongly to that.

yes i miss him desperately. just be stronger.

there's a gathering later by a mutual friend. i wonder whether he'll be there.

:)

when one gets into a relationship, it is just merely two person testing our their compatibility. after a while, if it doesn't work out, then no obligations. we just end it.

it hurts tons. but i've had it happening too often. he doesn't know what he's doing. maybe you yuan mei you fen.

i leave it to god.

this is what you call external locus of control.

sad. but i cant cry anymore. no tears will come out anymore. i've been treated shit enough.

hanging again

Out with his friends. Do not include me in plans. Leave me hanging. Retaliate when argue. Get pissed drunk till can't remember a damn shit.

What am I doing. What can I do. Stay and just let it fade?

Embarasssed of me?

things are going great

I just came back from hometown. When I was there, there were still sufferings. Basically he was out chilling with his mates all the time, occasionally remembering me.

But now that I'm back, it's totally... different. I saw him for the first time last night, and he was really really affectionate. Like he really missed me. And all the good things.

But he was drunk and high.

This morning when he was sober it was really sweet too.

Could it be because I no longer expect too much? Like today, we were supposed to be together at night, but I had to be away, and I didn't even feel insecure.

This feels like a good year, as if my prayers were answered. I hope our relationship will be even better than this. Cos I love him from the bottom of my heart.

He told me that I'm the one. And that I'm almost perfect, except that he really likes someone more feminine. How do I do this? I can't wear skirts, I have ugly legs!

HELP!

Please God, let this be continue... let him love me more and more.